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Post by denny on Nov 15, 2007 0:32:21 GMT -5
I watch too much internet porn and I think I have a problem or something. I'm a married man and I love my wife and this just isn't right. Anyone know of a way I can stop this problem?
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Post by Lil Ol' Brenn on Nov 15, 2007 16:25:21 GMT -5
Gosh, well you stated it's not right. In what manner? Is it not right due to your religious beliefs or just because your married and hiding it?
I know it is very normal to want to look at other women, even if your are in love. This being said, your not alone.
I have had this happen to me personally. I had a fiance that would look at Internet porn/movies. Nothing was lacking in the bedroom department other than his honesty.
My fiance wanted to do things sexually, but was embarrassed to say anything to me. Therefore, he would get on the Internet alone and watch these sexual acts take place.
Sure, I caught him, I was crushed and felt like I was a nothing. The key is open communication. Had he sat me down and explained the things he liked sexually, we could have either tried these things or compromised.
Don't be a closet porn lover, talk to the women you love, if she loves you she will compromise. I did, actually we found out we liked alot of the same things, and what I didn't want to try we watched together on X-rated movies. I was able to unleash things I liked as well...I don't bite hard but I do bite,lol
Some men can get out of control, mine did. He ended wanting three-somes and I would not budge. The end result, he cheated.
Your wife may not be as liberal as I, but you can't live a lie. If it's the fact that strange P-s-y, (I hate that word) is your turn-on, then see if she will role-play.
Have her put in a set of pigtails..(theses are always fun) or even have her put on a pair of cowboy boots with just a flannel shirt on and no panties. Just silly things
Just be honest with yourself and to her. Try to fix the problem within, before "junior' thinks for you, and you graduate to possibly cheating.
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Julia
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Posts: 130
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Post by Julia on Nov 15, 2007 18:06:21 GMT -5
He didn't say what kind of porn it is, it might not be something thats normal or natural...
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Post by Lil Ol' Brenn on Nov 15, 2007 18:43:07 GMT -5
True, that's why I am left to assume. He can take what advice seems normal to him and disregard any or all that does not pertain to him. Even if it is abnormal or unnatural he should still trust the one he loved enough to marry and have open communication. No matter the circumstance, if you don't have trust and communication you have nothing. I would rather my husband tell me he likes watching a woman screw a donkey or that he has an attraction to sheep, instead of hiding and lying. I would gladly drive him to the psych office in a sheep suit, lol...honesty is best, and the best way to overcome what you feel is a problem. Denny, you need to elaborate more, so we do not wander in the wrong direction here.
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Post by Apple Pie Princess on Nov 15, 2007 21:09:20 GMT -5
The female body is not an object, so I don't see how this could not be wrong. He's married and the only porn he needs to look at is in real life in his marriage bed.
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Post by Lil Ol' Brenn on Nov 15, 2007 23:13:36 GMT -5
His question was "How do I stop this problem?", not asking whether, what he is doing is wrong or right.
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Post by Benji Duncan on Nov 15, 2007 23:17:47 GMT -5
Denny, behavior is only considered "abnormal" if it causes a disruption or distress in your life somehow. I personally see nothing wrong at all with watching porn, as I do it openly myself on a daily basis.
In fact, I am what the DSM4 considers a "chronic masterbator" because I often choose masturbation even when sex is available to me. It seems you may be the same way. And when we're talking about "porn watching" we're talking about masturbation, let's get real. Technically this is considered a "mental disorder" but that's just a term and the definition was likely contrived by a puritanical moron or a feminist who doesn't understand anything about men and is unwilling to try. The fact is a behavior has to be causing a distress to your life for it to actually be a disorder.
Now you are sort of indicating that this is the case, but I need you to be a bit more specific than "this isn't right." What I want to know is this a behavioral distress or a cognitive distress?
By behavioral distress I'm talking about compulsive behavior that is causing your life to be less manageable. Are you spending money on these porn sites and hiding the credit card bills from your wife? If so, that needs to stop right now. For one thing you don't need to spend money on internet porn. Yahoo video search offers thousands and thousands of downloadable porn clips for free. If you have a high speed connection you can also go to a site called redtube.com, where you can just sit and watch full porn videos to your hearts desire and never have to spend a dime. Maybe you're going to those sites where you're chatting with a girl live on a streaming cam feed and telling her what to do and stuff. There is no free way to do that one, but it's still stupid to spend money when you don't need to.
Other compulsive behavior...
Do you think about it all day? When you start watching porn are you able to stop after you've ejaculated? Do you wait for the wife to go to sleep and sit there at the computer all night so that you keep getting two hours of sleep every night and then go to work or get up late to get the kids ready for school? Are you simply not sleeping with your wife because you sneak out of bed to get on the computer? Is the novel you've wanted to write your whole life collecting dust because you do nothing with your free time but watch porn? If any of these things is the case, you need to put a leash on the behavior.
You don't need to stop watching porn altogether, but just get some help toning it down some so it doesn't hinder the rest of your life. A site you should check out is called xxxchurch.com It has software and things you can download that will send an email every day to a "buddy" that shows exactly what websites you went to that day and for how long. The site has a number of other good resources for porn addicts.
Now when I'm talking about cognitive distress I'm talking about a moral conflict. Could it be that you are doing this because part of you doesn't think there is anything wrong with it? And could it be that you are distressed about this because another part of you thinks there is something wrong with it or because you live a second life where you profess abhorrence to behavior like masturbating and porn watching? Such a situation is called "cognitive dissonance." You think one thing in the day and another thing at night.
Which part of you is right? The first part of you is right. There is nothing wrong with watching porn, even if you are married. It has nothing to do with your wife and as long as you aren't maxing out the credit card (which again, is just stupid in my view to spend money on this), is none of her business. Your masturbation tendencies have as much to do with her as her menstrual cycle has to do with you. The problem, if we're talking about cognitive dissonance is simply your beliefs on this matter. Change your beliefs to be more accepting of what you are. There is nothing sick or wrong with it. It has nothing to do with your wife and it doesn't make you a bad person.
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Post by Benji Duncan on Nov 15, 2007 23:41:11 GMT -5
Gosh, well you stated it's not right. In what manner? Is it not right due to your religious beliefs or just because your married and hiding it? I know it is very normal to want to look at other women, even if your are in love. This being said, your not alone. I have had this happen to me personally. I had a fiance that would look at Internet porn/movies. Nothing was lacking in the bedroom department other than his honesty. My fiance wanted to do things sexually, but was embarrassed to say anything to me. Therefore, he would get on the Internet alone and watch these sexual acts take place. Sure, I caught him, I was crushed and felt like I was a nothing. The key is open communication. Had he sat me down and explained the things he liked sexually, we could have either tried these things or compromised. Don't be a closet porn lover, talk to the women you love, if she loves you she will compromise. I did, actually we found out we liked alot of the same things, and what I didn't want to try we watched together on X-rated movies. I was able to unleash things I liked as well...I don't bite hard but I do bite,lol Some men can get out of control, mine did. He ended wanting three-somes and I would not budge. The end result, he cheated. Your wife may not be as liberal as I, but you can't live a lie. If it's the fact that strange P-s-y, (I hate that word) is your turn-on, then see if she will role-play. Have her put in a set of pigtails..(theses are always fun) or even have her put on a pair of cowboy boots with just a flannel shirt on and no panties. Just silly things Just be honest with yourself and to her. Try to fix the problem within, before "junior' thinks for you, and you graduate to possibly cheating. I don't devalue the personal testimony you're giving here brenn, but I kind of think you're giving bad advice. What you're failing to realize is that men compartmentalize the sexuality of a woman and human value of a woman. When a man watches a porn he doesn't value the women in the porn at all. He doesn't even view them as actual human beings. This sounds evil to many people but it really isn't. The women in the porns are not actually exposed to him, so he can't really hurt them with his objectification of them. You were not placed in the same category. You were human to him. That's why the porn problem really shouldn't have bothered you anymore than you would be bothered by him reading a book and thinking that he's doing so because talking to you is uninteresting compared to the author of the book. The author of the book is not a real human being in his life and you are. The two behaviors are not comparable. By trying to get involved in this whole business and asking your partner to find ways to objectify you, he began to see you the same way he saw the women in the porns. He began to devalue you as a human being. This is likely the reason he ultimately found it okay to pursue infidelities. We aren't these crazy beasts that just go on these tangents as comfortable as that is for many people to think about. If someone cheats on you, it isn't because he just can't help himself, it's because that doesn't care about you or your feelings. Now I'm not saying it's not okay to experiment and have fun in bed, that advice was good advice. But to say or imply the statement- treat me like you want to treat those women- is very dangerous. You don't want to be viewed in the same light that men view porn stars. How many men were upset when anna nicole smith died? Of the hundreds of millions of men out there that have drooled over her porn clips was there a single one that gave a rip when she died? Think about it. To a man you actually want to care about you, don't tell him it is okay to dehumanize you. That cowboy outfit does sound pretty damn hot though.
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Post by Benji Duncan on Nov 15, 2007 23:47:34 GMT -5
He didn't say what kind of porn it is, it might not be something thats normal or natural... What does that mean? Define "normal" and "natural."
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Julia
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Posts: 130
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Post by Julia on Nov 16, 2007 18:20:48 GMT -5
He didn't say what kind of porn it is, it might not be something thats normal or natural... What does that mean? Define "normal" and "natural." Ok, maybe "illegal" might also fit into what I was thinking. Beastiality, pededophilia, homo-erotic etc might very well be a different case entirely. Would probably make his wife feel like crap too, feelings that she is no longer attractive etc especially if their sex life has reduced since he has been watching the porn.
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Post by Lil Ol' Brenn on Nov 16, 2007 20:42:55 GMT -5
"I often choose masturbation even when sex is available to me" Why do men do this? As far as my advice, you can clearly see why I do not write advice columns ;D Maybe something is wrong with me. I like doing kinky things, but I never thought of it as dehumanizing.
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Post by Benji Duncan on Nov 17, 2007 2:46:42 GMT -5
Brenn, your advice was good for the most part, just the part about equating yourself with the porn actresses to your partner was wrong. Otherwise you were right on the money in my opinion.
Are you asking for me to provide logical reasoning here Brenn? Why do people eat twinkies even though they're bad for you? Why do people stay up late and not get enough sleep for work? Why do people chew tobacco?
Masturbation feels better for men than sex does. The willingness to have sex for men is almost entirely sex-drive based. We are just driven with the urge to fuck women. But when we masturbate, that's in reality when we're enjoying the physicality of it. There are things men do when they masturbate that they just cannot do when they have sex, because there's no way their partner would enjoy it.
So we're kind of cursed in a sense. Masturbation never seems to satisfy the sex drive, and sex never seems to satisfy our sense of sexual pleasure.
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Post by Benji Duncan on Nov 17, 2007 2:57:19 GMT -5
What does that mean? Define "normal" and "natural." Ok, maybe "illegal" might also fit into what I was thinking. Beastiality, pededophilia, homo-erotic etc might very well be a different case entirely. Would probably make his wife feel like crap too, feelings that she is no longer attractive etc especially if their sex life has reduced since he has been watching the porn. I've watched bestiality and pedophilia porn. Is there something wrong with me? The urge to watch bestiality is pretty much like the urge to look at a car accident when you drive by one. I don't think very many men actually get turned on by it. It's just freaky and we're curious about the freakiness of it. Pedophilia is pretty much the same thing. There is something erotic about the pedophilia porn, but it's mostly a result of the wrongness of it and there is also some of that "look at the car accident" appeal to watching too. The wife in this scenario is not a factor in my advice to this guy. It's his body. As long as he isn't committing infidelity, I don't see how it's any of her business. He's just watching things, which equates to the fact that he's having certain thoughts she might not like to know about. So what? I think if anyone could look into their partners mind and read all their thoughts they would find it upsetting. We all think things that do not serve the people around us and instead serve ourselves. That's universal to all human beings. It's how we actually treat the people close to us that matters- not our thoughts.
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Post by Lil Ol' Brenn on Nov 18, 2007 11:39:06 GMT -5
Benji,
Thank you for answering this question honestly, I admire this about you.
"There are things men do when they masturbate that they just cannot do when they have sex, because there's no way their partner would enjoy it."
What would a women not enjoy? Well, from as man's point of view
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Julia
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Posts: 130
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Post by Julia on Nov 18, 2007 11:51:46 GMT -5
Benji its not only wrong its illegal, pedophiles go to jail so "its only natural" kind of argument just falls on its face there. I can't see whats remotely attractive about watching a 40+ man rape a 3 year old girl, that pretty sick how ever you like to cut it really.
I guess beastiality is a different story and will accept that people watch it out of curiousity. Can't imagine in a sexual way though but more in the "dude thats so funny/weird".
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